I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
