I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
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I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
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Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This toilet bowl is my home.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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