he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
