if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My dick has a subreddit
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
