i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
