Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
