if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
