Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
