I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
