you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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