like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
