they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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