You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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