she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
