Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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