An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
