Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
