I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
