worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
