Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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