you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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