I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
