At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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