I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
