If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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