I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
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