i jhust puked up my retainher.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
