wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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