Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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