areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My feet surprised me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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