I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
