I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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