Please, let me fuck your mom
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
