Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
