I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
