my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
