Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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