Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
