I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
