i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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