Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
