I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's official drugs can't kill me
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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