I met the friendliest cop last night
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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