We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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