just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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