Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
