"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
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Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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