today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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