ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
