I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
