You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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