We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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