apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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