Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
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Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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