You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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