We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
