i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
